Back in Black
by angelelaura
Summary: Last installment of my Back in Black DeanJo trilogy. Sorry for the EPIC wait!...After losing his daughter Dean goes off the rails, but a run in with an old enemy brings reality crashing back to him sooner than he would like...RE-EDITED & COMPLETED
1. Chapter 1

_AN:- Okay here's where I say go read the first two parts if you haven't already, they're not too long, but basically otherwise you'll read this and question what the hell I'm doing…_

_Basically my stories sent the whole thing AU, when I was writing the first two it was fine but I've had like over a years gap between writing this and the last fic, so hence now my stories are completely different from the series story arc…_

_If you really don't wanna read them the very VERY short version is (Nobody's gonna get me) when Dean sells his soul he and Sam go to see Jo so Sam can apologise for the events of BUABS, Dean spends the night with Jo and a few months later she turns up pregnant, but through the pregnancy they develop feelings for each other, after defeating the crossroads demon (which in my AU got Dean out of his deal, similar to how Sam thought it would originally in the series) they made a life together (Let loose from the noose) Dean and Sam have given up hunting, while Dean, Jo, and they're daughter Ashley settle into a weird family life Sam hooks back up with Sarah and they get married and she's expecting…however just when things are getting normal an old friend shows up, one night Meg comes and kidnaps Ashley and Sam…while they band together on the mission to save the two Dean and Jo find Sam alive and well, but are too late to save their daughter from Meg..._

_Really hope you actually went and read the stories instead because the description sounds LAME!_

_Just to let you know even though I've took so long between writing I am working off my original notes I made right at the beginning, hence I stress again that you have to keep in mind the slight AU…after season 2 NOTHING was the same as the series…and you'll see that in the visitor/troublemaker who sets off my story in the first Chapter…_

* * *

Chapter 1

When she was gone…

* * *

Dean kissed her hard, passionately, hands moving everywhere. He turned her, pushed her onto the bed, and when she was on her hands and knees he climbed on top of her and sucked kisses down her neck. He unzipped his jeans, but then he paused.

He rolled her over onto her back before pulling down her panties; because she was blonde he knew he couldn't fuck her from behind. He wouldn't admit it to himself, but he knew his mind might play tricks on him. If he couldn't see her face he might forget where he was, when he was, and pretend she was someone she wasn't.

He couldn't let that happen. She was Kaylee, or Kaycee. Whoever, but she wasn't _her_, and _that's_ why she was here, because she wasn't Jo.

He didn't think about Jo, hadn't for months, and this girl although blonde was nothing like Jo, and that's why he was going to fuck her. That's why he fucked all the girls he did, because they were nothing like Jo.

It wasn't a great leap from where he'd been years before, apart from this wasn't carefree fucking. This was primal, basic, he had a need and every time that need arose his mind did all it could to separate out the emotion that he'd once felt. To make him forget that he'd ever made love. It wasn't that he didn't want to sleep with these girls – like he did when he was young – but it was different now. He was different now.

Dean was kissing her, his hands stroking down her stomach, teasing her, making her breathe heavy. He whispered gruffly into her ear, "I hope you're ready for me, sweetheart."

She nodded, not able to speak. He slipped into her and fucked her hard and slow.

When she was gone, when he was back in the Impala and driving to the next place he thought about Jo. Didn't think anything specific, just about what she looked like, and he didn't know why, because he'd fucked blondes before, blondes who looked more like Jo, but tonight her image wouldn't stop haunting him.

He usually brushed any thoughts of her aside, because he knew thoughts of her would lead to thoughts of Ashley. But this time he didn't stop himself. He let himself think about Ashley – for the first time in over a year – or at least he tried. He tried, but he couldn't do it. Her face was average, non-specific in his mind; he knew that wasn't Ashley's face. And that's when Dean realised…that he'd forgotten what his own daughter looked like.

Before he could finish his thought he saw a bright light. The car behind him was flashing him, so he pulled over and got out of the Impala. He couldn't see the driver until they got close, because they'd left their lights on, and it was so dark everywhere the lights didn't touch and too bright anywhere they did. But when he could finally see who it was, Dean's only thought was, 'Oh Shit.'

"Hey Dean. Remember me?" Dean heard as a fist collided with his face. Dean's body flew back a bit at the force, but after he stumbled something snapped inside him, just in time to block the next punch.

"Hey Gordon." Dean said forcing Gordon's fist back, "Nice to see you." He returned the favour by punching Gordon back.

Dean had been living hard the past few years, on his own without his dad or Sam around, and this time was different to the first fight him and Gordon had had. Also Gordon was a lot older now and Dean got him to the floor with a few more punches.

"Well; this has been nice Gordie…" he said walking away, "but I have to get going. I'll call you though." Dean muttered under his breath as he got back into the Impala and peeled away from the roadside. He got so far and then chastised himself for leaving Gordon alive. He was bound to try and get to him again eventually, and Dean didn't need that kind of hassle. Then he remembered the time Gordon had used Sam as target practice, and two things occurred to him; one, next time he might not get close and give Dean the opportunity to block his attack…and two, next time he might not be the one he goes after at all.

Dean knew it was too late to drive back. Gordon would be long gone. So he went somewhere he hadn't gone in almost 2 years. He went to see his brother.

* * *

_AN:- So like I said AU in consideration in my story Gordon never escaped from jail, he served quite a long sentence and has only just gotten out…_

_Hope you guys liked it, and can't apologise enough for the wait…_


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter 2

It was too much; don't push me bro…

* * *

"Sam?" Sarah's question filtered into the darkness.

Nothing happened so she whispered again, "Sam?" She felt the sheets on the bed move.

Sam moved closer and snuggled his head into her neck. "What?" he asked, eyes still closed.

"Can't you hear that?"

"Hear w…?"

'BANG' 'BANG' Someone's fist banged against their front door.

Sam heard it that time and got straight out of bed. He put on some sweat pants and moved over to the bedroom door. Sarah sat up in bed, holding the covers to herself.

"They'll wake the baby." she said a little panicked, but Sam reassured her he'd go answer it before they did, leaning over the bed to kiss her, then going downstairs.

He unlocked the door and threw it open ready to lay into whoever it was knocking at this time of night. But when he saw who stood in front of him all he could say was, "Oh my God." He looked blankly for a while, "What the hell are you doing here?"

"Thanks, Sam." Dean laughed, stepping inside into the hallway, "I've driven all the way here to see you and that's what I get."

Sam just stared at his brother. After everything, what had he expected? Dean looked back at Sam, hoping he wouldn't be difficult; hoping he hadn't ruined their relationship that much, and in answer Sam shut the door behind his brother, letting him know he was welcome no matter what.

"Sam?" Sarah called as she tentatively stepped down the stairs.

"Its okay, Sarah." he answered.

"Dean?" She was genuinely shocked to her core and froze in her descent.

"Hey Sarah." He said feeling awkward all of a sudden, he'd quickly forgot the normal man's routine, and felt bad for having woken them both, "I'm sorry about this." he continued, looking at the door then back at her.

"So…" Sam said not quite knowing how to behave or what to say, "Why are you here?...Don't get me wrong, its great to see you." Dean smiled, but his face dropped as soon as Sam finished his train of thought, "but you haven't exactly been the visiting type over the last…I don't know, year or so?"

"I'll put some coffee on." said Sarah, still a little dazed. She walked into the kitchen and Sam and Dean followed her eventually.

Dean sat down at the dining table; Sam sat across from him as he told him about Gordon. Sam was surprised when Dean said he'd let him get away, but slightly glad. He didn't know how they were going to stop Gordon, but he also didn't really know Dean anymore, or what he'd have done if he hadn't driven away.

Dean felt stupid for letting him go, but now he felt even worse for worrying Sarah and Sam with it all. But Sam had to be warned, and he knew both of them would insist Sarah stayed and listened if he'd asked her to leave, so there was no way she could be spared the story either.

Dean got up. He hadn't finished his coffee, but he didn't really need to; he wasn't like Sam and Sarah anymore, he was used to being up at this time. "I'm gonna go."

"Wait." Sam said getting up, "That's it? Hi. Beware. Bye again."

"Huh?" Dean asked confused at what more he wanted from him.

"I'm coming with you." Sam answered plainly.

"Sam; that's not what I came here for. You've got a family. A wife and a b…" He choked on the words.

Sam lowered his voice until it sounded softer than before, "This isn't like before, Dean. You want me to come with you, there's no arguing this time, I'll come."

"Dean." Sarah said grabbing his arm firmly so he turned to her, "I don't need Sam here to protect me. You two need to go do this, I understand that."

Sam smiled at her, glad that she understood him.

Dean's face broke into a smirk, "Looks like it'll be like old times then."

But they both knew it wouldn't be.

* * *

"Well, I've phoned every motel in the area…given them descriptions, aliases we know of…and nothing. Wherever Gordon was staying, it wasn't here. He must have just been tailing you in his car for days."

"No wonder his windows were steamed," Dean said sarcastically. He paused, changed his tone and hung his head, "So basically what you're saying is we've no idea, not only where he is now, but also where he's been since he got released."

"Yeah, he skipped all his probation meetings."

"Colour me surprised."

The impossible task they were facing was becoming clearer and clearer. It was one thing tracking some evil thing that had signs and tells, but it was another to find a human being, a hunter, one who had planned all this and was probably expecting them to be looking for him.

"Dean?" Sam piped up quietly, and carefully, "I've been thinking that we should go to the Roadhouse."

"The Roadhouse?!"

"Yeah." He said turning his head away from Dean for a second and then looking back at him. Dean's eyes were wide, confused, like Sam had just asked them to go visit a demon or something. He tried to explain himself, "Look, Ellen used to know Gordon. Maybe she's heard from him. If not there'll be plenty of other hunters there to ask."

Dean knew it made some sense; hunters went there all the time, talking, telling tales. Well they had to the old one. He'd heard Ellen had bought a new place after the fire, he didn't know much more than that, but from what Sam was saying it was as popular as the old place.

"Fine, call Ellen." Dean said compromising, or so he thought.

"You got her number, Dean?" Sam asked sarcastically and a little harsher than he should have, "'cause I sure as hell don't."

"We're not going there, Sam." he said seriously.

"Dean, it's our only lead right now, we're dead in the water."

"She'll cut my balls off Sam!" He stressed, trying more to end a tiresome argument than share an actual fear, even though they both knew it was possible.

"Dean," Sam continued to protest, "You come to my house…in the middle of the night…I haven't see you in nearly 2 years..."

"You came along of your own free will, Sammy."

"Yeah, Dean. I did…because you need me. You need me to think straight and clear when you can't."

"I came to warn you, Sam. Not so you could drag all this shi…" Dean trailed off angrily, standing up and turning around to lean against the chest of drawers in their small crappy room. His past was rushing back all too quickly and he knew now why he hadn't gone to see Sam in all this time, because it wouldn't end there. He couldn't see Sam without facing everything else he tried so hard to run from. He wasn't going to deal with all this right now. It was too much.

"Dean." Sam persisted when he didn't move or speak for a while.

"I'm not going, Sam."

When he turned Dean's eyes said 'Don't push me bro.'


	3. Chapter 3

__

AN:- I am an absolute tit (pardon my language)...I read my own cut off points completely wrong and didn't finish the Chapter off properly in fact left out a really important part!...When reading the next lot of notes to type up and coming to the cliffy I was like okay its doesn't make sense that Chapter 4 is a few paragraphs long, because that bit I was reading was meant to be the end of this Chapter! So basically I apologise profoundly and have added it on to where it should be...so have re-uploaded this Chapter with the added scene...

* * *

Chapter 3

All hostilities; all reservations…

* * *

Sam walked in and looked around. It was different, of course it was, but it wasn't that different. It still felt like Ellen and Jo all over. He'd half expected to walk in and still find a back room with a 'Dr. Badass' sign on it.

Ellen and Jo were both behind the bar and he could tell straight away that the structure of the building wasn't the only thing that had changed. Jo wasn't doing anything specific to tip him off, but she just seemed more of Ellen's equal. They were a team. They even looked up at the same time, and as Ellen grabbed Jo's arm, comforting, protecting, and Jo didn't stop her, instead smiling appreciatively, it was clear that what Dean did gave Jo one thing; all hostilities, all reservations mother and daughter had about co-habiting where gone.

Jo lowered her head and smiled. Her mom – now reassured – let go of her and went to clean some glasses. Sam didn't step too far inside; he let Jo come to him.

At first it was awkward when she didn't know what to do, and then more so when she threw her arms around him, but then they both settled into the hug. Sam felt comforted that she didn't hate him for what had happened, and Jo felt nostalgic, remembered the good times when she was part of a larger family than just her and her mom.

When she pulled away he immediately said it was good to see her, because it was. The last time he had it was the day that she'd packed up her and Dean's house and he'd gone to get the stuff he'd left there. They'd gone from living in each other's pockets to hearing about each other through phone called Jo made to Sarah. Even the phone calls fizzled out eventually. After all this time it _was_ good to see her.

"It's good to see you too, Sam." she said, tucking a golden curl behind her ear. Both knew she'd smile back at him if she could, "What brings you here?"

"I came to ask about someone; a hunter, but it can wait." They both knew that whatever they were going to do now, even if they just sat and didn't talk, was important.

She went to sit down at a table and he followed.

It was awkward again. Jo leant forward a little on her elbows and fiddled in anyway she could; either scratching at the varnish of the wooden table, or twirling her fingers together. Finally she spoke, "I erm…meant to come and see you, after…I talked to Sarah about coming to see the,,," she really, really wanted to say it, but she couldn't. "I wanted to come see the baby." she said eventually, feeling it was important to continue, "but I was just never ready."

"It's okay." Sam said reaching out at the same time to hold her hands still.

"Huh." she laughed, removing one hand from him and wiping at her eyes, one after the other. She wasn't crying, but she could feel the tears building up inside and wanted to do her best to stop them falling. "I'm sorry about this." she said, conscious that she might be making him uncomfortable, and desperate not to, but it was like all the emotions she'd felt over the past 2 years had just been refreshed all at once.

"It's okay, Jo." Sam said.

She smiled, replacing her hands within his. "So, how is he?" she asked with a bitter smile that she tried her best to hide.

Now Sam did feel uncomfortable, and worse he didn't know how to answer her.

"Come on. One of us had to bring him up."

"He's…Jo, I really don't know." he said, because it was the truth. He didn't. He didn't know how he was; he didn't even know who he was anymore half the time. "He got in touch eventually after…but then…" he trailed off.

"Yeah." she said.

After he disappeared Sam had phoned Dean a lot, but Dean didn't pick up, for months. Then when he did contact Sam and Sam knew he was safe, he would ask him things like, "Have you talked to Jo?" and so he stopped answering again. And that's why it had been so long between their last conversation and Dean's midnight visit.

"Until last week. He had a run in with Gordon."

"Gordon? Is that the hunter?...Look; my mom might be better for this." It was the truth, but also she knew she couldn't take much more of this. She'd brought him up, but she had too, and for her own sake she had to walk away now.

* * *

Sam came in quietly, throwing the Impala keys on the table.

Dean was sharpening his knife, obviously trying to look busy and it kind of irritated Sam that he wasn't saying anything. He cared about whether Sam had found anything out, but he didn't or just wouldn't ask.

"She hasn't heard from him. He must have figured we'd check there."

"Yeah. Well I told you not to go."

"Sam clenched his jaw, because he knew that Dean's reasons for telling him not to go had nothing to do with Gordon not being there, and everything to do with Jo. In an attempt to prove Dean's behaviour as unreasonable and his own efforts as not completely futile he added, "but she did mention one of his friends stops by every now and again; said she'd call if he did anytime soon."

Dean still didn't look up until Sam said his name to check he'd heard.

"Yeah?"

"Jo was there…I saw her."

Dean stopped. He'd thought about it, that she'd go be with her mom; her family. "How'd she look?" he croaked out, hanging his head.

"She looked good, Dean. She looked…" he paused, "You know; she looked like Jo." Sam smiled fondly, but not so Dean could see.

"Yeah." he replied. He knew.

* * *

Days passed, and they tried other ways to track Gordon down, but it was a relief to Sam when Ellen finally called to tell him that if he was close he should come round.

They were close as it happened, Sam had persuaded Dean to drive to a motel 30 minutes away just in case she phoned, and surprisingly he only put up about an hours worth of fight. When Sam left this time though Dean knew he had to come with him. Plan was Sam would go in and get the guy and then they'd drive him somewhere else and double team him, which sounded 'vaguely dirty' to Dean.

Sam walked into the bar, their bar, this time a little nervously. Too aware Jo was probably near by, in the backroom or cellar, and Dean was outside. Hopefully she'd never know.

"Sam, I'm sorry. He left." Ellen said coming over to him as he sat by the bar, "I tried to get him to stay, but he only wanted one, and I couldn't exactly tell him you were coming."

Sam was disappointed, but he knew Ellen would have done all she could without making him suspicious. He managed an "Oh." as he realised Dean was going to be furious that he'd dragged him here for nothing.

"Let me make it up to you, doll." Ellen said pouring a beer and sliding it to him. Sam tried to protest – after all he couldn't keep Dean waiting – but he loved his brother, and he didn't fancy his chances if Ellen knew he was here, so he kept his mouth shut about it and gulped the drink down as fast as he could.

"You planning on entering a drinking competition?" she asked. When Sam looked up confused she motioned to his almost empty glass. Sam smiled and said he just ought to be going soon.

* * *

'She might not even be there' he told himself as he stood at the door, unable to make his hand turn the doorknob. Thoughts were his undoing; always had been – as unlikely as it would sound to his brother – and so with no thought at all he pushed the door open. Sam had been too long, something must be wrong.

Sam turned round as Dean entered. Ellen looked up.

"Sam, I think you're right." she said, "You ought to be going."

_

* * *

_

_AN:- Sorry again, my head's all over the place at the moment, but its a massive mistake I am currently beating myself up over :/_


	4. Chapter 4

Chapter 4

I feel like I don't know you anymore; maybe that's for the best…

* * *

"Erm…" Dean groaned awkwardly.

"What the hell are you doing here?!" Ellen said viciously.

"Gordon…"

"I know all about what happened with Gordon." she interrupted, "I meant what the _hell_ are _you_ doing _here_?" She took a deep breath to calm herself down, "If Jo finds out..."

"If Jo finds out what?" came a voice from the back of the room.

And then there she was; and everyone froze.

Dean couldn't take his eyes off her. She looked exactly the same as…well as the night he left her sleeping. It hadn't been that long he tried to reason, just seemed that way because of how he'd been living…and how he'd been trying to forget, but still she looked exactly the same.

When she saw him she looked as if she was staring down the barrel of a gun. She didn't put on a front at first, and Dean really wished she had, because what he saw in her face, he didn't ever want to see again. Because at first he saw relief, and maybe even love, and then he saw the hurt in her eyes, hurt that he'd caused. And just when he thought he couldn't stand it any longer, even though only a few seconds had passed, she eventually turned on a cold exterior to cover it all up. He was almost glad when she walked away.

"We're out of here." he said to Sam with resentment lacing his voice, resentment that he'd been made to come here and go through that.

When she heard him she turned back to them all again, "Don't leave, Dean. I know it's what you're best at, but I've got something for you." Then she walked into the back, and Dean had no idea what to do for a while.

When she came back through carrying a box she saw Dean had sat down next to Sam. She walked straight up to him and calmly tipped out the contents onto his lap. He didn't move or even flinch; he sat there numbly with his eyes shut tight as mostly useless items from the box fell on him and around him. His keys to their house were there, a wallet he didn't want to open and look inside, and random cards that he knew he'd saved for a reason.

He made no move to pick anything up, but he knew what it all was. It was the stuff he'd left behind. And he'd left it because it was everything that reminded him of them. Everything in the box was covered with Ashley, in one way or another. Her picture, or her scribbled writing, or just her memory, she was all over it, just like everything he owned at one point. It's why he'd left, because she was everywhere and he couldn't escape her there.

"That's what you left behind." She said, her eyes burning into his when he looked at her sadly. She was angry now, at him, for running away from these things, from Ashley, from her. And he knew right then and there that she completely understood why he'd left. He couldn't fool her; she knew he was a coward. And his gut twisted at the thought, because as she walked away he could see her fighting her tears. He knew she'd seen right through him, and she didn't like what she saw.

When she was gone he turned to Sam and followed up his wish leave, "Now, Sam." He stood up and walked out, just presuming his little brother would follow him.

"Ellen, I'm…"

"Save it, Sam." Ellen snapped, "Just _never_ bring him here again."

* * *

They didn't speak on the way back, not that Sam really expected them to, and when they got to the motel Dean kicked off his shoes and took off his jacket, laying it on the back of a chair in the room as if they'd come back from a hunt and he was physically exhausted.

"Dean." Sam sighed.

"Don't, Sam." he pleaded angrily.

"Dean, you had to expect something like that would happen. You knew she could be in there when you stepped through that door."

"I didn't expect…" he stopped, because he didn't know what he'd expected.

"Well, you should have." Sam huffed.

"You saying I…"

"Deserved it?" Sam finished, "Yeah, pretty much."

Dean's eyes narrowed, "Thanks a lot, Sam…You know 'brothers'…they're supposed to support each other."

"Support each other?" Sam laughed, "Dean, where the hell have you been for the last 2 years?!"

Sam threw down his jacket in annoyance and Dean resisted the urge to grind his teeth together. He spoke very slowly, "That was different, Sam. I couldn't be around, because Jo…"

"Don't blame Jo. You walked out on her!"

"I didn't…" Dean started, and then stopped himself. He wasn't planning on denying it, just maybe making some excuses, but either way Sam jumped in before he could carry on.

"You didn't?" he repeated, "So I suppose me and Sarah imagined Jo coming to our house..."

Dean couldn't hear this; he turned around as if to leave the room, but Sam followed him. He was boiling over now with anger, anger at all the things he'd wanted to say to his brother and hadn't had the chance until now to say. He kept close behind him stressing each syllable, "Crying, hysterical, wondering where you'd gone…if you were okay…"

Dean stopped dead in his tracks, his eyes screwing shut as he felt a twinge of pain at that thought. She'd worried.

All this time he'd expected, more than that, hoped that Jo would feel from the very moment he'd left like she'd acted at the roadhouse. Angry, pissed, throwing things, cursing his name. He wanted her to hate the very sight of him. He'd never allowed himself to think that she worried about him, that she loved him and trusted him and had thought he'd never leave her without something being wrong. He'd always hoped he'd made her hate him so much that she'd forgotten that she'd ever loved him.

Sam seemed to be reading his thoughts, still understanding him after all this time. But he was pissed. He may have loved his brother, but he didn't like him, and he knew how to use that understanding to deliver the last blow. "That's what I never got, Dean. She kept on loving you. Kept waiting for you to come back…for months…and it tore her apart."

Dean was silent for a few minutes and then his voice came out cracked and broken. "What did I do, Sammy?" he said without turning around, "That made you hate me so much?"

Sam sighed deeply. "I don't hate you." he said honestly, "But Jo was a part of my family too. I'll always be your brother…but I was there, I saw what you did to her…" He paused for a long time, "I never thought you could be so cold to someone you loved…It makes me feel…I feel like I don't even know you anymore."

Dean reached for the door handle in front of him. "Maybe that's for the best." he said finally leaving the room.

* * *

_AN:- Hope you liked this, very angsty, but thats the whole feel of most of the Chapters for this one I'm afraid...Keep reading and I'll try and edit the finished Chapters when I get the time...I'm excited about posting the next Chapter actually, because I loved writing it...Just guess where Dean goes after he leaves Sammy in the motel!!!_


	5. Chapter 5

Chapter 5

We were falling apart, and it never healed…

* * *

She was cleaning a table when she heard it. It was late; everyone was gone so it was completely silent. Her mom was in bed, so she hadn't put the jukebox on. She rarely put it on anymore, just in case it skipped onto the wrong song, but she didn't like the silence either. It always unnerved her after living in suburbia. Coming back to the middle of nowhere again she was already on edge. Then she heard that dangerous rumble and she knew who was going to follow it.

She walked outside, the air was crisp, sharp and it prickled her skin. She looked down, arms folded. He was stood – well, leant back – against the hood of the Impala, waiting, waiting for her.

They both knew this was it, the compulsory meeting, the moment or whatever that they had to have, so that he could leave again without making things worse, or at least if they fought so they had nothing left to say and he'd never need to come back.

He had to come here, he knew he wasn't who Sam thought he was, didn't he? He didn't know now whether he was here to prove that he wasn't, or because he knew he was, and he didn't want to be. Either way he wanted to fix something.

"Hey." she said when she stopped in front of him.

"Hey." he said back.

"Didn't expect you to show your face after earlier." she said staring at the dirt.

"Didn't you?" he asked surprised, searching her eyes when she looked at him to see if she was telling the truth.

"I didn't know if I'd ever see you again after you left the first time, so thought it was even more unlikely for you to come back here a second."

"You didn't think I'd _ever_ come back?" and she knew what he meant. He was asking if after that night he left her she thought he might come back to _her_. He didn't know why he asked – why he pushed – because he hadn't planned on ever coming back so it didn't matter what she thought, but what Sam had said was still at the forefront of his mind.

After a while he just knew her silence meant that she wanted him to think 'No, I knew you weren't coming back,' but he also knew it was a façade. She _had_ thought he might. He wanted her to say it, again he didn't know why he had to push, "But you kept all my stuff?"

"What?" she asked, her brow furrowing in confusion.

"The box?" he explained shifting uncomfortably. He knew he should stop this. He didn't need to do it, he just needed to see her and leave, not force her to admit her feelings. Why did he want that when he was going to leave her again? When he was going to deny her his feelings? Deny her him?

"I…" she stopped, "I don't know why I kept that stuff, Dean." Part of her really didn't.

"Was it just so you could make that scene back there?" Her eyes shot up at his accusation, but she didn't deny it so he continued, "Was it worth it? Shoving all that stuff in my face?"

"I don't owe you anything, Dean." she replied immediately in her defence, "Any answers, any sympathy. Don't make me seem petty for being hurt that _you_ left me." She whispered the next bit regretfully, "That's just not fair to me."

She looked as if she was going to cry and Dean automatically felt guilty for doing exactly what she had just called him on. He waited a while and then reached forward, standing up – which brought them closer together than either expected – and moved a strand of hair behind her ear affectionately.

"Don't." she pleaded, leaning her face into his hand at the same time, he cupped her cheek. When he didn't let go she turned her face more, moving out of his grip. She walked off, unable to cope, but he followed her without even having to think.

When she got inside she heard him and turned again. "What are you even doing here, Dean?" she asked frustrated.

He wanted to joke that he'd forgotten, like he had all them years ago, but he couldn't, the words wouldn't come. Instead he said, "I don't know."

"I do." she said vehemently, "You want to make it all alright. Lets be friends, right? For everyone's sake, or maybe just yours? Well, forget it! You walked out on me. I'll never forgive you for that!"

Dean stood still, not coming any closer. He didn't know why he was here really, so he couldn't defend himself, but he liked to think it was for more than that. She was shouting and angry as hell, but he didn't know if she truly meant what she was saying, and that thought pushed him into not wanting to leave, even though he didn't know what to say back.

He just stood and watched her tiny frame sag, she sighed, walking slowly over to the bar and leaning over it. She put her head in her hands and then swept them through her hair. "You were so cruel to me, Dean." she almost whispered, as if it explained everything, and in a way it did, for both of them.

She wiped her eyes feeling tears form, and she pushed them down hard, trying to get back to being angry. She stood up straight and stomped forward towards him. "You know what you are, Winchester?" she said, "You're a coward. You should have stood by me. You weren't the only one that lost her! It wasn't all about you!" she screamed.

With that she tried to walk off again, but she'd enraged him. Unbeknown to her she'd flicked something, a switch inside him that tapped into all that anger over what have happened, and he channelled it into one deafening shout.

"We were falling apart!!!"

She paused, and turned. She saw his eyes were angry and his breaths were shallow and unforgiving, but he didn't scare her.

"We would have worked through it, Dean. That's what couples do! It would have been hard," she said taking slow steps back to him, "but we could have done it, because I still loved you. That was all that mattered to me."

This time it was Dean who turned away, afraid of those words.

Becoming frustrated once more by him turning his back on her she raised her voice again, "You just can't let yourself be happy can you?!"

"What?" he said facing her.

"That's what this is all really about…the new…or should I say old lifestyle. The leaving. You're avoiding the world, you are now and you were then!"

"What's that got to do with what you just said?" he shouted back, totally confused.

"Because you ran scared, scared from me. But you didn't run because we were falling apart, or because we lost Ashley. You ran because you _knew_ we could have been happy again, but you didn't want to be…You were too afraid of getting it all back, because then you'd have something to lose. You can't stand being happy because it makes you vulnerable!"

He felt like he'd been shot with her words. Every single thing she said rang so true it hurt. A lump rose in his throat and he squeezed his eyes shut as if to escape it all, but then he was left with his own thoughts, which was worse. Meg's words from that horrible night echoed in his head 'The more you have, the more I can take away from you.'

"But that's what life's about, Dean!" Jo continued, unaware of his reflections.

Dean came back to the present with the sound of her voice and stumbled on an explanation, "I was happy, and then…" he broke off, unable to admit it all, which made Jo even more angry.

"Big brave Dean." she said sarcastically, "Too scared to stick by the mother of his child! Too scared to stay and fight for us!"

"I wasn't scared!" he shouted moving forward, knowing she was right, but wanting her to shut up, "and you weren't the mother of my child anymore!"

Dean felt a cold sting as Jo's palm slapped him bitterly across the face.

He pushed at the inside of his cheek with his tongue and looked back at her. She had tears in her eyes and he waited for her to shout back at him like he wanted, but she didn't. He'd gone too far, and she was too wounded by his thoughtless words to even stay anywhere near him.

"You ran away from me then," she said sucking in a fragile breath, the shake in her voice threatening to spread to her entire body, "So why don't you keep on running."

She tried to leave, but when she did he grabbed her arm.

She saw his face had softened, and so had his voice, "I didn't run away from you," he said, "I ran away from what happened to Ashley." He stared her down hoping she would believe him.

Jo snatched her arm back from him, "Same thing. If you'd cared enough you would have stayed." She turned, still wanting to get away from him, but he caught her wrist this time and spun her around. Now they were locked in a fight almost. Jo pulling them both backwards, Dean keeping close and making sure she couldn't pull free from him completely.

"You think I didn't want to run away?" she continued, "To forget? But I loved you Dean, and I could never have left you. Not in a million years, because I loved you."

She was still pulling back and he was still trying to keep his hold on her, they were still moving towards the back of the bar.

"Are you saying I didn't love you?" he asked astonished, "Is that what you're getting at?"

"You can't have!" she said heartbroken.

Jo was close to the store room now, so in frustration Dean pushed her into it, through the door and against the back wall inside so he could make her listen to him.

He had her arms pinned at her side, she was sassy, but he was easily stronger than her and knew he could keep her there for as long as he wanted. His move had been violent, but when Jo looked into his eyes it wasn't anywhere near the manner she saw there. She saw regret, maybe even hurt, because of what she'd said.

"I did love you Jo." he said honestly, breathlessly, "I still love you."

Jo felt her stomach flip painfully. She scrunched her eyes together at the feeling before he leaned down to kiss her. She responded passionately, like he knew she would, and when he let go of her arms to hold her she moved her hands to his face.

She broke the kiss long enough to whisper, "I missed you, Dean." Then they changed their head positions to kiss again. Spurred on – something inside him brought to life by hearing those words from her – he pushed himself further into her and made her wrap her legs around his waist.

He remembered her, every curve of her…and the noises she made were all painfully familiar. They fitted, comfort, love and hurt. He tried to pretend that she was just some girl, but the truth was when he kissed her things fell into place. Every time he touched her – tasted her – he remembered _their_ house; _their_ home; _their_ lives; their daughter. He thought about Ashley and after all this time, despite his fears, her face came back to him clear as day, and he pushed Jo away slightly, breaking the kiss.

"What's wrong?" she whispered against his lips, her body humming from the closeness and the tension as she waited for his answer.

"I can't." he said pausing. Then before she knew what was happening, he was gone.

When she heard the front door slam shut behind him, and the engine of his car start up and fade away she slid down the wall helplessly. She sat there on the floor for a long time. She felt like he'd broken her heart, but she knew then, it had never healed from the last time.

* * *

_AN:- Hope you guys liked it! I'm really proud of this Chapter so it'd be nice to hear what you lot think!!!_

_And *SPOILERS* Can I just say wow, what an exit for Jo last week, so so SO sad that she's gone, but that was a beautiful episode, a real classic and already one of my favourites, it was so well done and a perfect tribute to a great character...I feel where they've let Jo down before in character development they really made up for in that last episode...RIP Jo Harvelle (and aw how broken hearted did Dean look all the way through, when he was telling Bobby, when he kissed her, when the picture was burned...he looked like he really lost a close friend...he also looked quite dishearted right at the end, like its all hitting him). Still love the show to pieces!_


	6. Chapter 6

Chapter 6

They were strangers sharing a bottle of jack…

* * *

"Where've you been?" Sam asked when Dean finally got back to the motel. He'd been waiting up for him since he'd left. Worried to death he'd had no sleep and had spent most of the night working on finding Gordon, but despite that Dean was the one who looked like shit.

"Out." was Dean's reply.

"Thanks for the knowledge. I meant 'out where'?" Sam pushed.

"Driving." he said sitting down on his bed and wiping a hand down his tired face.

"For God's sake, Dean. Can't you give me a straight answer for once?" Sam shouted suddenly, "You've been gone all night and most of the morning, and you won't tell me where you've been…You walked out last night because you didn't like that I don't trust you anymore…Well what I am I supposed to think when you act like this?"

"What are you talking about, Sam?" he said shaking his head.

"How did I know you were coming back?"

Dean tensed, thinking 'oh God not him too.'

Sam saw his brother flinch at his words and tried to calm his voice, "Look, Dean. If I'm here; if you really want my help, you can't shut me out like…"

"I went to see Jo, okay?" Dean said interrupting him. Sam's face screwed up in confusion, but Dean paid no attention, he just sighed and continued, "And for the last few hours I've just been driving…No reason, no particular direction…just driving." With that out he hung his head so he didn't have to look at Sam anymore.

Sam sat down when Dean's words finally sunk in.

"Happy?" Dean asked looking up, but not at his brother.

Sam ignored his question completely, "And let me guess," he groaned, "You screwed things up even more?"

Dean stood up. "Something like that."

His voice and actions gave nothing more away as to what had actually happened, and that seemed to frustrate Sam even more. "Dean, I can't believe you would…"

"Sam." Dean stressed, and then he stopped, seeming exhausted, "I'm sorry, okay…I'm sorry I screwed things up. I'm sorry I'm still screwing things up." He paused and moved closer, "I'm sorry I came and got you. But let's just do this, so we can all go back to our lives."

"You mean our separate lives?" Sam stated quietly. When Dean didn't correct him Sam just dropped it. He gave a sad nod and said nothing, hands inches away from his laptop, knowing he should tell Dean what he'd found out, but now reluctant to.

"Just tell me you got something." Dean pleaded, not sure what he wanted more, to move on from this, or just to move on in general.

"I've been looking up Gordon's friend, the one Ellen told us about." Sam said now in full reporter mode. Dean came to stand behind him as the younger Winchester read out what was on the screen in front of them, "Full name; Robert John McAllister. Friends call him Mac. Has a noticeable scar on his right cheek…He survived a supposed, quote, 'brutal animal attack' in 1990."

"Which is where he got the scar I'm guessing, ouch…noticeable's an understatement." Dean said staring at the photograph before he continued, "Wait, 'supposed'? so I take it we're thinking…"

"Not an animal. From the reports I'd say Blackdog."

"That explains why the guy looks like Leatherface."

Sam let out a small laugh before he carried on, "From what Ellen told me he's a hunter, but nothing to write home about. He does the occasional job, but he's more with the 'shoot everything within a 100 yards radius and you'll eventually get lucky' gang than actually planning and tracking anything."

"Yeah, but he must be tough if he survived an attack from a Blackdog."

"Well he wasn't the only survivor." Sam looked back at Dean.

"Let me guess."

"Gordon."

Dean's brow screwed up, "But I thought Gordon hunted vampires? What was he doing going after a Blackdog?"

"Well I don't know for sure, maybe he just ran into it while looking for a nest. We've run into hunts unaware once or twice, it happens."

"So he saves this Robert guy's life, and then what?...They become bosom buddies?...Doesn't sound like the Gordon we know and love." Dean said walking over to the bed and sitting down.

"Well like him or not this is the only in we got…And I got an address." Sam said as he stood up. He scribbled down the street name on a piece of scarp paper and reached for his jacket.

"I'm not liking all the guess work and the maybes on this one, Sam." Dean said causing him to turn round, "S'like we're going in blind. Something feels wrong."

"You sure this feeling's about Gordon?" Sam asked honesty.

Dean grunted and said bluntly, "That's the last time I share."

Sam was about to say something when his cell phone rang. He took it out of his pocket and said hello as he put his arm through his jacket sleeve. He shrugged his coat on all the way.

When he stopped speaking and moving Dean looked back in his direction, "What is it?"

Sam ended the call with, "We'll be right there Ellen." Sam shut his phone and looked down at the floor. "He's not at his house, he's there."

Dean grabbed the Impala keys from the side table without a word, stood up and wrenched the motel door open.

"Someone really has it in for me." he mumbled under his breath.

* * *

As they pulled up to the Roadhouse he felt nothing, when he started to get out of the Impala, nothing. But when he shut the car door his gut twisted and he had to pause.

Sam noticed. Leaning against the car, arms laid out on the roof he called his brother's name.

"Yeah." Dean answered collecting his thoughts. He snapped out of it suddenly and turned towards Sam, "Look, we go in, get this guy, get our information, and get out." Then he walked.

Sam nodded and followed him.

Dean took a deep breath as he opened the front door. Ellen and Jo weren't there, or more likely just somewhere out of view. Both brothers started to scan the area, but for different people. Sam backhanded Dean's arm to get his attention and gestured to a man at the bar. Dean recognised him as McAllister.

The two stepped towards him, standing either side, Dean slightly further back.

"Hey, are you Mac?" Sam asked him, trying to sound relaxed.

"Who wants to know?" the guy replied as if he was in the mafia or something, he never looked up from his beer. He was trying to appear tough and the scar helped, but not enough to fool them.

Sam laughed, "Yeah. Yeah, I thought it was you. You're Gordon Walker's friend right?"

At that the man flinched and shifted in his seat. "I don't know no Gordon." he said quickly gulping down his beer. When he wasn't able to finish it in time he abandoned it, swivelled to face Sam and stood up, "'xuse me."

He paused when he felt a hand smack down firm on his shoulder.

"We just want a nice friendly conversation." Dean said.

Sam saw the guy panic slightly. He hadn't known there were two of them, and now he worried how many people were after him. Definitely not a hunter Sam thought. Too fidgety.

"Look, we're not gonna hurt you, man. Alright?" Sam said, trying to calm the panic in his eyes.

"Well _he_ isn't." Dean gruffed behind McAllister, making him jump.

Sam glared at Dean, "Not helping." was the only thing he said.

"Look guys I…" The guy tried to pass Sam, shoving him.

Instinctively, and over protectively Dean turned him around by the scruff of his coat and socked him in the jaw. Unfortunately McAllister fell onto the edge of the bar and knocked himself out cold.

"Uh." Dean groaned holding a hand up to his head annoyed, and thinking 'just my luck.' "Perfect." he said sarcastically letting his hand fall to his side.

Sam rushed over to check he was okay. "Just unconscious." he said standing back up. "He should be fine…once he wakes up."

"If he wakes up." Dean said, not before groaning again. He kicked a stool to the right of him in frustration, "Damn it!"

Sam looked up to see 5 or more hunters. Each with their eyes fixed on them. Just as they heard a chair screech as someone made a move to get up and rush them Jo came in, and everybody turned to her.

She stopped, accessed the situation, then huffed and rolled her eyes when she put two and two together. She rocked on her back foot and clapped her hands together twice. "Okay…everybody out." When her outburst was met with unwilling moans she added, "Now! Come on guys!"

She walked over to the unconscious man. "Get him on that table over there." she whispered to Sam as friendly as she could. "Get him awake and then get _him_," she said, meaning Dean, "out of here." She walked away.

"Jo wait." Dean shouted quietly as he raced after her. He caught up with her in a few strides and grabbed her apron, bringing her round to face him.

She stared up at him with piercing eyes; some kind of clouded anger. Even though she was pissed – and he knew she was – there was a mask over everything now. She didn't trust him with her feelings, and he didn't want to see them. It was partly because they were strangers of a sort, and it felt wrong to harbour any kind of strong feelings for a stranger, so everything was masked.

He kept her gaze. "Look," he paused, "we just need this guy to tell us where Gordon is. Then we're gone."

She nodded softly and he let her go and turned to Sam to nod. Sam went into the back. When Dean turned back to Jo as Sam passed by them he noticed she'd slipped behind the bar. She grabbed a bottle of whiskey and came back around. She didn't say anything, just moved over to a stool and sat down, so he did the same.

Dean reached for the bottle, but Jo stopped him. She got up and he grabbed her wrist again, "Where you going?"

"I forgot to get glasses." was all she said to him.

"After everything," he paused for effect, "we've done worse together than share a bottle of Jack."

Jo huffed and snatched her arm away from him almost playfully. She went behind the bar again, came back, sat down where she had been before and slammed the glasses down either side of the bottle to prove she wouldn't be backing down. That she was boss, or at least to prove that she was trying to be.

He played along. He owed her that much.

* * *

_AN:- It seems one excuse after another, but I bring good news and bad news regarding this story..._

_Bad news first...ARGH 3rd year at Uni, Jan exams done, but my dissertation project needs to be finished in March, and is like a 30-40page scientific journal on an experiement I haven't finished (plus presentations to my supervisors from now til then ARGH) its all worth a ridiculous amount of my final grade, so I'm going to be mega busy until its finished..._

_Good news is after the 15th of March I will have NO Uni work apart from revision, for exams I don't have til the end of May (and basically I know you guys don't know me, but I don't do too much revision, I can normally wing exams...which I DON'T suggest anyone does, but I can do it) which basically means I don't know if I'm going to be able to update before then, but afterwards I promise to finish this story up completely and hopefully to a high standard I can be proud of...when it comes to having the time to write I will always totally take advantage of it because I miss it loads :)_


	7. Chapter 7

Chapter 7

She knew she couldn't stop it; it was all consuming…

* * *

"Where's Sam gone?" she asked whilst taking her first drink.

"To talk your mom round on this." was his reply.

Jo reached for the bottle and poured, "She won't mind if I don't."

"Yeah, but we gotta ask her." Dean added, "We've sort of closed the place."

"And? I chose to close it…and it's my bar too." she said tilting her head back as she drank again.

"What?" he stuttered out. She just stared, with a little attitude – attitude that he always knew she had – and a small smile. "Sorry." he offered, in case he'd offended her, "I just didn't know. Didn't think you'd wanted that."

"Well things change; don't they?" she paused, "Besides, I had all that money. Seemed like a sensible thing to do with it."

"Money? What money?" He hadn't meant to make this a conversation, hadn't meant to talk to her at all, but he was confused.

"The house." she said bluntly.

"Our house?"

"I couldn't afford the bills and stuff. You'd gone…so I moved back here and sold it." she tried to explain.

He felt angry. Angry that she'd sold the house where Ashley had grown up, the house where they'd made a family, but then how could he be when he'd left that house, forgot it; forgot her a long time ago, so he couldn't blame her.

"So…I guess this place is technically mine too." He smirked, but soon some part of him knew that that wasn't what he should have said.

"You want your money back from the house…" she said standing up.

"No, that's not what I…" he tried to interrupt, but she wouldn't let him disrupt her flow.

"– then that's fine."

"Oh come on, Jo. You don't have that sort of money just laying around." he said standing up to meet her.

"Don't I?"

"Do you?" he challenged.

"No," she paused, "but I'll get it for you."

"No, Jo…I don't want it. I didn't mean…God, this is not how I thought it was gonna be." He never thought it _would be_. Ever. Never thought he'd see her again. He leant against the bar on his elbows and started wringing one of the glasses in his hands, he didn't even know if it was his glass or hers he'd picked up. When he did that, when he looked at her and started apologising, Jo fought back the urge to ask him how he thought it could be any other way between them now. She fought off the urge to start another fight.

"I'm sorry, Jo. I'm…"

Jo relaxed, leaning against the bar mirroring him, ready to listen, but just as he was about to continue Robert McAllister got his second wind.

* * *

"You okay?" he said rubbing her lip carefully with his thumb, lifting her chin up. The guy had woken up, tried to bail and in the scuffle Jo had ended up hit.

Dean had retaliated and knocked the guy out again, much to Sam's annoyance. They tied him up this time. Sam was in the storeroom watching over him. Ellen was gone, Dean didn't know where, but she'd come out and kicked up a fuss when she saw what happened, and when she saw Jo's face Jo had to drag her to the back of the room. With a few choice words and an 'I'll have your nuts one day' look to Dean she'd finally left.

"I'm fine." Jo said, wishing he'd stop looking at her lips like that, and all too aware they didn't have either Sam or her Mom in the room to chaperone them right now.

When he leaned forward she closed her eyes, because she knew what was coming, and she knew she couldn't stop it.

He kissed her ever so gently at first, and it was torturous. It made her ache. He hardly put any pressure on her lips and his were so far away that the strangled sound she made to show her frustration was louder than she expected. It seemed to work though, because Dean immediately pushed his whole body closer and his kiss was suddenly fierce, desperate, all-consuming.

After a while though Jo couldn't help but groan. Despite wanting him so much her lip did hurt. Dean pulled back and kissed her softly once again. She was about to stop him; tell him she couldn't take that slow pace again, because she couldn't be teased, she couldn't be robbed again. That's when he moved down her jaw to kiss her neck, and she didn't need to say it. But then suddenly she needed to say something else. She needed to ask him a question, she needed to know something.

"Can you make love to me, Dean?" she asked holding his head to her. "Can you make love to me like you used to?"

"I don't know." he said honestly, halting his movement and just cradling his head on her shoulder while he collected himself.

His earlier words, 'I can't' still echoed in her head from the previous night, with that in mind she changed her question; "Can you try?"

He looked at her heartfelt, and said sincerely, desperately, "Yes, m'am."

They were both desperate though, for this, for each other. As he spoke he ducked his head under hers to catch her lips, forcing her head up.

* * *

She was laid next to him, he was sitting up slightly, but on his side, resting on his elbow. She was quiet and she wasn't moving, but he knew she wasn't asleep, not when she shivered at his touch, something which made his jaw clench.

"What are you thinking about?" he asked her, shifting the hand he had on his head and spinning some of her hair around the fingers of his other hand.

"I was thinking…" she paused, "about how some things can change, and some things can't...And that I'm tired of figuring out which things are which."

Then he just wanted to kiss her, not to prove anything he told himself. He just wanted to kiss her. He leaned over, turned her face to him, and she rolled onto her back slowly as he bent to put his lips on hers once more.

* * *

_AN:- Sorry its such a short Chapter, but I hope people welcome the update,__ nothing else felt right when I tried to pad it out with other stuff, Sam, Ellen or the fight etc...it was more meaningful I think just being them and ignoring what else happened, because thats the sort of feeling they're having, that nothing else matters...at least for this Chapter anyway, I think it just needed to be about Dean and Jo because they haven't had a Chapter like that in a long time and probably won't again for a bit either lol!  
_

_So I'm back because all my works done now, apart from having to revise for my final exams I have more time to write, so I really hope to get this story finished soon...but obviously as its the third part of the first fanfic I ever wrote I don't want to rush it, I want to make good on it...so please bare with me...  
_

_I will admit I am struggling with this story, I know exactly where its going, but have a lot of options on how to get there at the moment, but it is the Uni work not that that has been delaying the updates, so don't think I'm going to suddenly abandon this, I've only updated my other story because I had a lot of finished ready to post Chapters that only needed editing, whereas I had nothing for this...so it took longer thats all...I won't stop until I've finished I promise!!!  
_


	8. Chapter 8

Chapter 8

I can fix that if nothing else…

* * *

Sam looked up as the storeroom door opened. He felt a little regretful and disappointed when he saw Dean walk in buttoning the upper buttons of his shirt; he knew where his brother had been.

When Dean looked up and saw Sam's facial expression he felt a bit ashamed, that was an emotion he had rarely allowed himself to feel. With everything he'd done over the past few years he knew he had a lot to be ashamed for, but he had never let himself feel it. Now he felt guilty, really guilty, so he tried to push his feelings aside.

When he'd left Jo sleeping he'd made a decision. Not a huge life altering decision, just a simple plan that would at least get him through the next few hours. Everything was so fucked up that that was the most he could plan for right now. Jo could sleep, maybe it was her way of avoiding thinking about everything, but Dean couldn't. He _was_ thinking about everything, his head was swimming, dizzy with thoughts, and he had to make it all stop. Then it hit him, he was confused at what the hell he was going to do after all this was finished, and _this_ wasn't finished yet.

'At least I can do that,' he thought, 'I can fix that if nothing else,' and while he was focused on MacAllister he wouldn't have to think about how he'd abandoned the love of his life for the second time. After losing their child he'd swung by 2 years later to mess up her life and _literally_ screw her all over again.

When he slipped out of her bed and pulled on his jeans, when he fastened his belt and looked at her sleeping form he had one last thought. That he was creeping out of her room like he had done years ago. So much had changed, but some things hadn't, maybe Jo was right, maybe some things can't change. One thing that _had_ changed was Dean wasn't stupid enough to think that this could be forgotten, not this time. He would have to deal with it, but 'God not now,' he hoped, 'please not now.' He'd been running ever since the night he left and wasn't ready to stop.

…_He was looking into their room watching her sleep, although it hadn't been their room for a long time, since he'd started sleeping on the couch, at Sam's, anywhere but here, and also he knew she wasn't really sleeping. As he watched her he realised that her shoulders were moving up and down not in the regulated even rhythm of sleep, but unsteadily, almost violently, she was crying._

_His head turned to the right and he knew then he couldn't carry on this way. He couldn't grieve anymore than he already had done, he couldn't watch **her **grieve. He couldn't take it anymore._

_He looked up at her one more time through the large crack in the door, the one she always kept open just in case he decided to come back to their bed. He looked at her one last time and then moved to leave._

"_Dean." he heard her whisper out._

_It shocked him enough to make him stop and turn back._

_She rolled over and looked at him, and part of him wished she hadn't, because her face was marred with tears, her eyes red and sore looking, this would make everything harder._

_He should have known she'd sense him there; she had been a hunter after all, even if only briefly she still had it in her blood, bet it was drilled into her to believe every sixth sense she had. She probably knew that he stood here this way every other night, but he wondered why this was the first time she'd acknowledged it. Of course every other night he stood here trying to will himself to go to her, even though he knew it was too soon for him, and now he was stood here thinking something different, that it would always be too soon. Maybe she sensed that as well._

"_Dean, will you…" her voice trailed off. It was bound to be weak, she hadn't been using it for anything but crying recently, its not like they had talked, and she had no one else to talk to._

_He pushed the door open and stepped inside, walked up to the bed and sat beside her where she lay._

_Her hand came to rest on his thigh, and her fingers trailed up and down mindlessly creating patterns on his jeans. She looked at her hand and not at him when she moved it to pick up his. She brought it up to her own face and leant her cheek against it. She closed her eyes at the contact and Dean didn't feel like he was really there with her then. _

_If he had been there he would have felt guilty at seeing how badly she needed a simple touch of his hand, and knowing he'd denied her even that, but he wasn't there. When she called out to him his body had gone back, but the real him had left. He'd already distanced himself from what he was going to do._

_She rolled over putting her back to him once again, but she clutched his palm within both her hands and wouldn't let go. It finished off her question; she was going to ask if he would stay with her. And Dean was glad she hadn't, because as he lay down emotionless behind her on the bed and closed his eyes, he knew something she didn't, that the answer was still no…_

"So…" Sam said, bringing Dean back out of his memories.

"So…" Dean echoed, walking further into the room.

"How's Jo?"

"Not now, Sam." Dean said.

He didn't say it harshly or in his usual 'leave it' voice, there was a real sadness to his words, so Sam nodded and dropped it straight away, for the first time in a long time he didn't push.

"So this guy gonna wake up, or what?"

Sam smirked, then full-out laughed when Dean stepped forward and backhanded him comically. The guy jerked awake and Dean lightly slapped his cheek until he opened his eyes and he could see Dean right in front of his face. "Morning, Bob." he said with a smile, "I _can_ call you Bob, right?"

McAllister just groaned, still coming round.

Dean pulled up a chair so its back was in front of McAllister and straddled it, resting his arms forwards on the back rest. Sam immediately started to think his brother had paid a little bit too much attention to all those Hollywood interrogation scenes.

"Look, Bob." Dean said stressing his name as if he wanted to provoke him, in reality Sam just new he was frustrated and wanted to get this over with. Dean continued, "Me and my brother over there, we need you to talk…He's the good cop," he pointed to Sam, "and I'm the bad cop." he finished pointing to himself. He turned and said, "Sam." With that Sam left the room. Dean turned back to McAllister with a wicked grin. "Looks like it's not your day, Bob." he said pointing to himself once again, "Bad cop, remember?"

* * *

Dean walked out of the storeroom wiping his hands on a rag, his knuckles red. Sam was sat at the bar and Dean went to sit next to him.

"So what did Bob have to say?" Sam asked amused.

Dean smirked, "He gave us Gordon."

Sam nodded, not surprised at all, he huffed, "So what's the plan?"

"You're the brains Sammy…remember? My job's just looking pretty." Dean smirked again grabbing his jacket off the stool at the other side of Sam.

"Yeah, well we need some sort of plan. Gordon's…"

"Booby trap-happy…Yeah, I remember." he interrupted shrugging on his jacket.

"What happened to planning?" Sam questioned confused at Dean's eagerness to leave.

"Plan on the road Sammy. It's a long drive." Sam raised his eyebrow at his brother sensing he might say something else, and eventually he did. "Sam…I just want it done." he admitted desolately.

Sam nodded, not one to deny him this, and grabbed for his jacket as well before they both headed out of the door and didn't look back.

* * *

Jo forgot where she was for a little bit after she woke up, but it wasn't all because of what had happened a few hours ago; no, because it happened all the time. She'd wake up, expect to find Dean laid next to her, face in his pillow, hair mussed-up, on his stomach, snoring away; expected to have her little girl run in and jump on the bed. She'd expect that and then remember.

At first it was painful, and it still always hurt when reality hit, but she knew the last year she had to get over it or she'd never get out of bed in the morning. She'd resigned herself to the fact she'd always wake up expecting that, but that it wasn't her reality. She had to hold on to her memories, but not let them hurt her anymore. She had to appreciate them, but know they were in the past. Just as she realised Ashley wouldn't be running into her room she'd realised Dean wouldn't be in bed next to her, no matter what had happened that afternoon.

When she eventually pulled the sheet off herself and found her clothes it was evening time, and she realised she should get to work behind the bar. She didn't worry about Dean and Sam being there, she knew they were gone. It was another day; she'd work, she'd go to bed and tomorrow she'd wake up the same as she did everyday. That's all she was willing to expect from life right now.

* * *

_AN:- Got the muse back for this story, so more writing!!! :D_


	9. Chapter 9

Chapter 9

Can't be too careful, with people like you around…

* * *

Dean pulled up away from the house. He couldn't help that his stomach flipped a bit, because the house looked too much like the one he'd led them to before, and he was remembering how he'd felt when that bomb went off, he thought he'd lost Sam for good. He wasn't going to go in unprepared. He wasn't going to underestimate Gordon either. He couldn't risk it.

He killed the engine and the groan died down to a low rumble. They were just losing light, but it wasn't night yet, the sun was close to setting though and hung low in the sky.

"Are you sure this is the address Bob gave you?"

"For the thousandth time." Dean muttered, then he looked at his brother incredulously, "No, Sam. I actually have no idea where his place is. Bob and me just had a nice chat about hookers and booze instead." he said almost sarcastically, "Then I drove us into the middle of god knows where for no reason," he turned back to the house. "Come on dude." he said under his breath still frustrated Sam had asked such a stupid question.

Sam laughed, "Alright man, I'm just…making sure. Looks wrong."

"Well, Gordon _is_ wrong…" Then Dean thought about earlier and how easily Bob had crumbled, "You know, maybe you should have got the place out of him if you think you could do better." he said almost proudly, his grin beaming with one-upmanship.

"Didn't get the chance." Sam mumbled.

"What's that meant to mean?" Dean said turning back to his brother.

"Why do you always get to be the bad cop?" Sam said in answer to his question.

"Coz I'm a badass." Dean smirked.

Sam laughed as if that was the most ridiculous thing he'd ever heard, "No you're not."

"Coz I'm older?"

Sam just huffed another laugh.

"You wanna pick a fight with me about this _now_?...Doesn't matter, look." said Dean nodding towards the right side of the house.

Sam was now looking too; it was almost certainly Gordon even though he was far away. He was at the back of the house, throwing what looked like a plank of wood down on the ground. Then he disappeared behind the place.

"So, is he round the back or has he gone inside?" asked Sam.

"I don't know." Dean answered, "I don't have x-ray vision. There's a house in the way."

"Well makes it kind of hard to plan, doesn't it, Dean?" he said stressing his brother's name in annoyance. And they were back where they had been years ago, picking at each other like kids, like proper brothers. It was sort of nice, but more sort of annoying right now.

"Let's just go round the back…Its Gordon, he probably knows we're here anyway." Dean said dejectedly. He got out of the car and Sam followed him. They tried to keep out of sight as they ran to the side of the house. They both lifted up their guns as they moved, keeping their backs to the wall and checking all around them.

"Come out guys!" Gordon shouted.

Dean stopped, his head lolled back against the brick behind him in defeat, he looked to Sam and all Sam did was shake his head in disbelief.

Dean continued round the house, making sure to keep his gun up and his eye out for where Gordon was. He peered quickly round the corner and saw Gordon stood there in the open with no weapon, so he walked around, watching his step.

He heard Gordon laugh.

"Can't be too careful." Dean said in defence of his cautious stepping, "Not with people like you around, who knows what this place's rigged with."

"Now, Dean. How could you say something like that." He grinned, "Where's Sammy?"

Dean looked to his right, knowing there was no point him hiding behind the house, the element of surprise was not on their side today. Sam caught his eye and then followed him round.

"Nice to see you, Sammy." Gordon said as he walked to their right.

Sam didn't say anything but both him and Dean stepped to their left so their back was against the house. They were practically circling each other like predator and prey, but the Winchesters didn't know who was what at this point.

Suddenly Gordon stopped moving and so eventually did they.

"Who was it?" He said turning around, which they found odd, he was turning his back on people that had come here to kill him.

When they didn't answer him Gordon shouted, "I said who was it?…" he paused for affect and added, "Which one ratted me out?"

"Bob." Dean smirked.

Finally Gordon seemed to snap to life. He turned and chuckled, "Robert?...Damn, and to think I almost didn't call him."

Sam and Dean looked at each other confused, and then back at Gordon.

"You boys didn't think I let this place slip by accident did you?"

With that Gordon rushed them both, pushing them through the heavy double doors he had wrangled them to stand in front of; they were off their guard enough to be taken by surprise and both fell to the floor inside. Once there Gordon shut the doors and locked them in place by reslotting the heavy plank of wood across that he'd removed earlier.

They both got to their feet, brushing off the dust from the floor which had covered their clothes.

"Okay, locking us in the house? What are we, grounded?" Dean asked throwing his arms up, tired of all this not making sense.

Sam was about to laugh when he saw something out of the corner of his eye, turning round he looked to the staircase at the far end of the room. "Erm…Dean?"

"What?!" Dean asked annoyed, turning around to look at what Sam was staring at.

There were three men and a woman standing on the stairs. One of them jumped over the railing, whilst the others smiled. The one in front bared his second set of teeth.

"Oh this is just peachy." Dean said hanging his head.


	10. Chapter 10

_AN:- Just thought I should maybe put a warning on this Chapter because of the fight seen...I dunno, personally I don't think its gorey, but then my favourite show is Supernatural so you can tell I'm probably desensitised to that sort of thing...anyway just don't want to get in trouble with any of you! So warning done!_

* * *

Chapter 10

I don't really want to stay and find that out, but I will…

* * *

The vamps had the Winchesters outnumbered, not that they needed to, with their strength and speed they would already have the upper hand, and Gordon knew that. He'd led them into the perfect ambush. Dean's early confusion at why Gordon would hold up in an abandoned manor house was now explained away, the old decaying property was perfect for vamps to hide in. The aged décor probably reminded them of times past, and the dank, dusty, crumbling rooms made it inhabitable for humans.

With Dean and Sam caught like animals in a trap the fight had easily gone in the vamps' favour. One vampire had Dean by the neck, and two had Sam on the floor and were hitting him in the face repeatedly in turn. The woman vamp was leaning over the staircase just watching.

Dean looked around him frantically, his mind becoming dizzy, sure his head would pop right off at any moment with the pressure, and then he saw something. To his right was an old bronze framed mirror. His right arm left the vampires grip on his neck and he elbowed the mirror causing it to break. Luckily because of the large frame all of the pieces didn't fall to the floor, most just slid down. Dean reached out before the vamp caught on and grabbed the biggest piece, slicing his head off with it in one clean sweep.

The vamp's body fell lifeless to the floor, as soon as it did the vampire on the stairs screamed angrily and jumped down herself, obviously the dead vamp was her mate and now Dean had royally pissed her off.

Luckily he now had a weapon. Unluckily the kill had also attracted the attention of the two vamps wailing on Sam. They left him momentarily and moved towards Dean. Sam seemed unconscious or on the verge and they weren't worried about him coming to Dean's aid. However they should have been.

Dean now had three vampires advancing towards him. He swung out aimlessly with the glass to keep them at a distance while he made a plan.

Meanwhile Sam grabbed a sliver of glass that had fallen his way and scrambled forward behind the vampires who had been beating him. He reached out and with the glass severed their achilles tendons behind their ankles. Their legs gave out instantly and they fell. Knowing it wasn't sharp enough or strong enough to decapitate anything unlike Dean's piece of glass Sam threw the shard aside and looked to the table on his right for something better.

Dean was left with the pissed off girlfriend who started throwing punches at him, some he blocked, some he couldn't. The last punch sent him to his knees on the floor.

Quickly Sam saw something in the corner of the room. Obviously at one time it'd been displayed on the wall, but now was laid by the sofa forgotten and dusty. It involved two swords crossed behind a decorative crest, praying to God they weren't fixed to the mount he crawled towards them. Drawing out one of the swords he made his way back towards the vampires on the floor.

The vamps didn't lie and wait for him but he fought them off enough to cut off their heads with the sword. Their movement around the floor stunted by the wounds Sam had given them earlier.

Then he saw his gun a meter away where it had slid when Gordon had pushed them to the floor. He grabbed for it and stood up behind the last vampire. He fired it at her back, it didn't hurt her much, he hadn't expected it to, but it was enough to make her turn round.

She suddenly launched on top of him, shoving him to the floor and punched him in the face. Before she had the chance to hit him again Dean came behind her and yanked her head back, just enough so he could hold the glass to her and slice through her neck.

He dropped her head to the right and her body fell on top of Sam. He groaned and heaved it off to the side. Reaching his right arm to Dean.

Dean grabbed Sam's outstretched hand and yanked him up from the floor. The two brothers stood panting, catching their breath until Dean slapped Sam on the shoulder and headed towards the door.

"What if there's others?" Sam called to him.

"I don't really want to stay and find that out, Sammy. Do you?" Dean said still heading for the door.

They walked out of the front and found Gordon stood outside. His face immediately dropped. He looked up the sky and threw his hands up, "What do I have to do?!" he shouted violently.

"Sam." Dean said harshly knowing Sam still had a gun on him.

Sam held up the shotgun and Gordon walked steadily towards them both.

* * *

The car pulled up to the roadhouse and Dean switched off the engine.

"I don't want to go back in there Sammy." he confessed turning to his brother.

"You have to." Sam said firmly.

Dean wrenched the car door open and got out. He slammed it to and leant against the side of the Impala, his gaze shifting from the dirt beneath his feet to the bar in front of them.

Sam got out of the car too and stood there waiting for Dean to say something.

"I didn't say I wouldn't go Sam, but…" he sighed eventually speaking, "God, what am I going to say to her?" he asked.

"I don't know." Sam said honestly, and sadly.

Dean nodded and hung his head.

Sam waited for his brother to make a move, and for a minute he doubted that he would. Suddenly though Dean was walking forwards and up the stairs.

He turned around to Sam briefly and then back again, taking a deep breath he thought, 'I promised myself I'd fixed this, so I will.'

When they walked inside the place was empty of hunters, it reminded him of the first time they'd set foot in here, except he could see Ellen behind the bar. He was slightly grateful of that fact, because he didn't fancy the idea of her coming out of the back room with a shot gun like she had done that first time. God knows what she'd do to him these days with a lethal weapon in her hands.

Ellen looked up when she heard them enter and smiled. She was genuinely relieved that Sam was okay. As for Dean she wasn't sure. "Hi." she said to them both, but more for Sam's benefit.

"Hi." Sam said back politely strolling up to the bar. Dean had been in front, but now he hung back, scanning the place for Jo, and also trying to keep the proximity between him and Ellen to a minimum.

"Everything go okay?" she asked hopefully. Not only did she hope that they weren't in danger anymore, but also that it meant this whole horrible thing could come to an end and her and Jo could get back on with their lives.

"Yeah." Dean grunted.

"And Gordon?" asked Ellen.

"He won't be a problem." said Dean looking at Sam. Sam looked down at the floor.

"He had a nice vamp-nest-surprise laid out for us, but we took care of a few of them, enough to get out…We'll go back tomorrow on our way out of here, check it out in the daylight, catch 'em by surprise if there's anymore we missed." he continued, covering for Sam's silence.

They were all quiet for a while before Ellen spoke again, "So you boys are…"

"Done. I promise." said Sam.

"Good to hear." she said, "Don't take that the wrong way, but…"

"We get it." Sam said softly and tried to smile.

"Where is she?" Dean asked affectionately.

Ellen just looked dumbfounded at his question.

"Ellen," he sighed, "Where is she?"

"Don't you even think about going to talk to her Winchester."

Dean opened his mouth to defend himself, "Ellen…" but Jo interrupted him.

"I'm right here." she said, appearing from the back. She walked forward slowly, and everyone could see she was holding her breath to try and stay calm. Although there didn't seem to be any anger in her, there was something below the surface, maybe nerves. She came to a stop right in front of Dean and looked up into his eyes.

"Joanna Beth…" her mother pleaded, before Jo turned and walked up to the bar. She reached out for her mothers arm and squeezed it reassuringly. Then she walked past Dean and out the front door.

"You'd better go follow her boy." Ellen threatened.

Dean nodded meekly and turned to leave the way Jo had. He found her sat on the front steps waiting for him, and he sat down beside her. Ready to talk, ready to listen, ready finally to do whatever she needed him to do.

* * *

_AN:- One more Chapter to go!!!_


	11. Chapter 11

Chapter 11

I love you; you had to know…

* * *

She felt him stalking closer from behind, it made her nervous, but when he sat down next to her her stomach settled and she felt like a weight had been lifted. She didn't know how after everything his very presence could relax her like that, surely it should do the opposite, especially when she knew why he was here.

"You're done aren't you?"

He nodded and shifted on the step, to clarify he growled out a yeah in case she didn't see, as she hadn't turned towards him since he'd sat down.

"I think before you go, I should say I'm sorry." she said.

He looked at her completely confused.

When she turned and saw his expression she looked away again apprehensively, "I know I'm partly to blame for you leaving..."

"Jo…" he tried to interrupt, but she wouldn't let him.

"-I was too needy, too self obsessed, too…"

"Stop." he said strictly, "Jo, you didn't do anything wrong. You weren't any of those things." He hung his head, searching for the strength to admit his failings to her, to own up once and for all. He'd never wanted to before, but hearing her blame herself, he had to try, "Jo, you tried to help me, tried to reach out to me, _I_ pushed _you_ away…Worse even, I acted like you weren't even there _to_ push away…" he sighed, "And then I left you." He ran a hand down his face, then he seemed to realise something and turned to her matter of factly, "And even if you had acted like that you'd just lost your daughter, however you were being, why would you have to be sorry about something like that?"

"Because I'm sorry I couldn't pretend Dean." she said mournfully, "For you."

He found it hard to breathe. He swallowed to try and calm himself down and gasped out, "I didn't want you to pretend."

"Yes you did." she replied, "You wanted me to pretend it didn't happen, or pretend I didn't care. You wanted me to pretend our world wasn't falling down around us…but it was, and I couldn't pretend. I couldn't stop grieving. You made me think I wasn't normal, because there I was trying so hard to stop crying and you never even started."

"I never grieved," he said in answer to that, "not really."

"I know that now," she said regretfully, "But at the time I was just so confused. I thought you were being strong, and I couldn't understand why I couldn't be that strong. I wanted to pull myself together."

"Why?" he asked, not understanding. He'd seen her go through all that pain, but realistically it was because she was dealing with her emotions, he wasn't. Why she would want to be like him he had no idea.

"Because I saw the way you looked at me." she said in explanation.

Dean felt an ache in the pit of his stomach, fearing where this conversation was heading.

She didn't turn to look at him, but she could see the pained expression on his face, she couldn't bare it, so she pretended it wasn't there just long enough to finished telling him what he'd really done to her, "You looked at me like you hated me…All I wanted was for you to still love me, but you looked at me as if I was nothing…When you could bare to look at me at all that is." She felt tears sting her eyes, "You made me hate myself."

His gut twisted and his eyes screwed shut at her admission.

"I never meant for you to feel that way," he said through clenched teeth, angry at himself, "I knew I was the fucked up one. You were the normal one, you were dealing, and the more I didn't deal with it, the more seeing you go through it made it too real. I just wanted to run away from it, I thought I could. I just wanted to undo it."

"But it can't be undone." she said as her tears started to roll freely now, "Dean, Ashley was our little girl, and she died. Nothing can change that."

He turned to her and saw her face streaked with tears. He'd seen it so many times before, but this time he knew exactly what he needed to do. "I know. I know, Jo." he said pulling her into his embrace. He hugged her shoulders to him and kissed her hair, rocking her slowly as he felt her sob.

They rocked back and forth like that until he felt her breathing calm, and then he stilled them both. "I don't even have a picture of her."

Jo looked up at him in surprise, not about what he'd said, but that he'd felt the need to say it, and she knew he was reaching out to her. As she wiped the tears from one eye she reached into her back pocket with the other, pulling out a folded photograph.

As she unfolded it Dean braced himself for what he was about to see.

"Its yours," she said, "The one you used to carry around in your old wallet."

Dean took the photo from her hands and stared at his daughters face. Different emotions swept through him all at once. He felt a longing to be with her and he missed her, he felt guilty that he'd tried to forget her, but most of all an overwhelming sadness and regret over what he'd done in her name.

"I know why you left, Dean." Jo said.

"I know you do," he replied, his eyes not yet ready to leave the photograph, "I heard it all the other night. Pretty much hit the nail on the head. S'why I was so mad at you for it." He smiled sadly and then looked at her.

She said nothing; she just stared down at the road dust she was kicking back and forth with the toe of her boot.

"Apart from the not loving you part…Jo…I…"

She looked up at him.

"I still love you, Jo." he confessed. When she hung her head to look at her feet once more he continued, "I could have got away with not saying it, but you had to know."

"I know." she said not giving anything away.

"And?" he asked fishing for something more.

"And…" she sighed, "And I don't know what that means anymore."

There was a heavy silence.

"So…"

"So…"

"Am I going to see you again?" Jo asked.

"Do you want to?" Dean asked back, but his smile faded quickly.

Neither of them said anything for a long time.

"What if I called you?"

Jo laughed quietly, "Novel, you've never tried that before."

Dean flinched at her joke, not finding it as funny as she did.

She saw his reaction, she'd honestly meant it as a joke, but she supposed nothing between them was funny anymore, she should have understood that more than he did, so she regretted saying what she had. "Maybe you shouldn't call me," she said suddenly thinking this whole thing was a bad idea. They couldn't even have a joke with one another without it hurting, how was something like this ever going to work out. She stood up, "Maybe it isn't a good idea." she said.

"Jo, wait." he said grabbing her arm tenderly. She stared down at where his hand held her, and then glanced into his eyes. He wasn't looking at her, he was looking at his hand and where it was rubbing the skin of her forearm absentmindedly. He seemed to be thinking, and she stayed there and let him, feeling it was important to.

"Jo." he said finally standing up and facing her, "Me, loving you…it means a lot. That's what it means. A lot to me anyway."

She'd wanted to drop the idea of talking this out, wanted to run back inside, but now he'd said that her head was full of unstoppable questions. "What _exactly _does it mean to you?" she asked.

He didn't answer.

"Do you want me to say I love you too; do you want me to feel the same way?" she pushed, but still he didn't answer. She sighed, turning her face away and mumbled, "Do you want anything from me at all?" She immediately wanted to take back that last question, she hadn't wanted to ask it, she feared the answer too much.

He stepped forwards. "One thing I agree with you on is that neither of us can pretend like nothing happened. I know now that can't work." He took another step closer and she found her back pinned against the wooden banister of the steps. "No couple should have to go through what we did, but it happened, neither of us could stop it. I know all the things I did wrong, but I hope you can see I was just too scared to do anything else." he said stopping only inches away from her face. "The worst thing was that I wasn't there for you, I made you go through it alone."

"You didn't answer my question." she whispered, still frightened, and now trying not to gasp at his proximity.

"Jo, I want…" his jaw twitched with restrained effort as he made himself pause and go a different way, "I left because I loved her so much, and when we lost her I didn't know how to deal with it. I never stopped loving you, but sometimes I did resent you, because I saw you doing what I couldn't. I couldn't face up to it, and I didn't know how to comfort you, I physically couldn't sometimes. After I'd left I never let myself think about you, because I knew if I did it'd hurt too much. No one has ever made me happy, except you Jo, so yes, it means all those things. I've wanted you back ever since I saw you again." he said, so close to her that he could smell the Jasmine on her. 'Some things don't change,' he thought and wanted to smile. Then his face fell, she was searching his eyes for something more, something definite, and he couldn't give her that, "But I'm trying to be realistic." He sighed. "Just like you, I don't really know what anything means anymore. What I want and what I can have, they've never matched…apart from when we were a family, but then…"

"You're still scared, aren't you?" she whispered.

He looked up into her eyes, this time was different, when she said he was scared she wasn't trying to brand him a coward or provoke him, she was asking honestly, so he answered her just as honestly. "Yes."

"Me too." she said, and caught the shock in his eyes.

He didn't understand what she had to be scared of.

"You don't think I'm scared?" she said laying a hand on his chest, "I'm the same as you Dean, everything I've ever wanted has never worked out. Of course I'm scared that wanting isn't enough."

"I _want_ to make it enough." he said desperately, no longer afraid to bare all. "I think I _need_ to."

"It'll take time." she said sadly.

"I'm not going anywhere." he replied, and she looked at him to gauge whether he was being serious. "I mean it, Jo. If you don't want me to."

That's when her head fell forwards into his chest and her arms wrapped around his neck. She hugged him tight, and his arms encircled her waist and hugged her back tighter.

She pulled back with tears in her eyes, and he smiled at her.

"Well, when I say I'm not going anywhere I mean I'll be around," he said and then defended, "I'm not staying here where your mom can kill me in my sleep."

She smiled at him, letting him know that was a good enough promise for now, and they headed inside together. Both wondering where the future would take them. And both wondering if wanting each other was truly enough.

* * *

_Epilogue_

Dean strode into the room anxiously, hoping Jo would still be asleep, she was. Her face still flushed and her hair messy, but she had never looked so beautiful to him. He smiled, for a minute wanting to go to her, but then remembering what he wanted to do first. He looked to the side of her hospital bed and saw that she wasn't the only one who was sleeping.

He reached into his pocket and took out the photograph, it was crinkled, creased, and bore white jagged lines across its picture where it had been folded and unfolded so many times. He moved closer, crouching beside the plastic box next to Jo's bed and put the photograph inside, leaning it up against the see-through walls that encased his son. The baby stirred at the intrusion.

"Its okay Johnny." Dean said running a hand gently over his new son's forehead, "That's just your sister." He took his hand away, shifting slightly on the balls of his feet, still crouching down so he was level with him, "Her name was…" he swallowed and started again, "Her name's Ashley," he smiled, his eyes following every movement the baby made as it writhed and stretched. "I just wanted her to be the first thing you see when you wake up," he continued, "because she's the first thing I think about when I do…" He laid a hand on his son's stomach gently to calm him as he continued to squirm, "and your mom…Now I'm going to wake up thinking about you too…"

He took a deep breath and looked over at Jo, "I'm gonna go sit with your mom now…cause…well I can't leave her on her own can I?" he paused sadly remembering and then continued, "But I'll be right over there…And your sister will look after you 'til I'm back."

Dean leaned in, kissing him, seeing he was already going back to sleep again. Then he traced his hand over the picture of Ashley affectionately. He stood up and walked around to the other side of Jo's bed. He sat down on the edge of the mattress and brushed a strand of hair out of her face. She stirred, just like the baby had, but then she opened her eyes and smiled when she saw him looking over her. She closed her eyes again, but moved up to make room for him, and he climbed into the tiny hospital bed and they lay together, facing each other. Her head snuggled into his chest; he leaned down to kiss her forehead, and hugged her even closer to him. This was his second chance, he thought. He wasn't ever going to let his family go again.

* * *

_AN:- I can't believe I've actually finished this story, I had no idea it would take this long, and for EVERYONE who has read it I thank you from the bottom of my heart, if it wasn't for you guys I would have quit this completely when I lost all my notes for it and been too scared to give it another chance...I'm really proud of this story as its what got me into writing fanfic, so I'm feeling both extrememly sad __and extremely happy __to see it come to an end finally :)_

_I've reuploaded this because I noticed a few annoying errors in grammar and spelling (the problems of choosing not to have a beta I guess)... Thanx so much again Rae xXx_


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